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In the fall of 2020, our third child (Brooke) told us they were nonbinary and preferred they/them pronouns. This was in the midst of their mental health crisis, and my husband and I were willing to do whatever it took to help them feel better and be able to function in the world. We had heard more and more people coming out as trans or gender fluid, but we didn’t know much about it. We wanted to be supportive but had some hesitations because of our lifelong participation in a conservative religion. We were more open than some of our church friends and neighbors, though, because we were in the process of deconstructing our religion and eventually left that church altogether.

In an effort to support Brooke, I learned more about the history of gender roles and expectations and how that history is entangled with patriarchy and misogyny. But I also tackled the day-to-day challenge to altering my habits and using Brooke’s correct pronouns. It took effort to get comfortable with the new pronouns, but I was committed to making the change.

You don’t use someone’s pronouns when you speak to the person, you use them more when talking to someone else about the person. This came up most often when my husband, Bryan, and I would talk together about Brooke. At first, we would say “she” and then a few seconds later realize the mistake and repeat the sentence with “they.” This is how new habits are formed—correcting yourself afterwards at first until the new word becomes second nature. I started off at about 30 percent accuracy for the correct pronouns and worked up from there. When we were together as a family, all of us made an effort to use Brooke’s pronouns. I felt thankful that our other kids were supportive and willing to make this adjustment. I would feel a special pride when I used the preferred pronouns in family conversations in front of Brooke, hoping they noticed and felt validated.

            The pronouns also came up when talking to non-family members about Brooke—for example, when I called for their doctor appointments, when I picked up their prescriptions, or when someone asked how Brooke was doing. I often hesitated, pausing to ask myself, should I explain their gender and use they/them to refer to Brooke? Should I not explain but still use the pronouns? Or should I make it easier on myself and others and use she/her? At different times I chose differently. I started referring to Brooke as my child instead of my daughter and used their name more often to avoid the use of pronouns altogether.

In the beginning, I felt nervous bringing it up with others, especially in our conservative, religious community. I didn’t know if people would understand or be sympathetic. A lot of my apprehension came from not wanting to make other people uncomfortable. Eventually I decided that their comfort was not that important, certainly not more important than Brooke’s comfort. Even if Brooke wasn’t present when I spoke, using they/them raised awareness of non-binary people in general. When people found out that our family had a non-binary child, and that we supported the use of the new pronouns, it would stick with them and let them know that LGBTQ people are common and should be accepted.

            When I did use Brooke’s preferred pronouns, people would often get confused. They would ask, “Do you have twins?” Or they thought I was talking about Brooke and our younger daughter, Sydney. It took patience and repeated clarification, but it was worth it. To keep the new pronouns in the forefront of my mind, I changed Brooke’s contact name in my phone to “Brooke (they/them) Hoelzer.” When I texted with friends or family about Brooke, I sometimes began the conversation with those pronouns in parentheses, as a reminder. It meant a lot to me when a friend used the pronouns in text replies. I knew it was different and hard, and I appreciated their efforts.

Occasionally, doubts about they/them pronouns crept into my mind. Do we really need to do this? At times I thought it was weird, different, and uncomfortable. My mind kept going back to the idea that it was incorrect grammar. I wondered why the community hadn’t come up with a new singular pronoun for non-binary people, like zhe. That would be easier. I came to find out that new pronouns have in fact been suggested and temporarily used, but they did not gain widespread consensus. I didn’t want to have reservations about the pronouns; I wanted to embrace the idea without qualms.

One day, I came across an Instagram video that alleviated my questioning. I had started following LGBTQ accounts to learn more about this population. Because of that, Instagram suggested I might like to follow Jeffery Marsh, a popular non-binary influencer who helps people understand LGBTQ issues. In one of the first videos I saw, Marsh explained in their unique and soothing voice,

“You know, the thing about the singular they is that it’s already been decided. If you’re just finding out and you’re just objecting, you’re objecting to years and years of tradition within our movement. It’s in the Oxford English Dictionary; it’s in Merriam Webster; yes, all of that. But in addition, we’ve been using it for ourselves for years. It’s time to give up your objections and to use it.”

            This video hit me with such power; it was as if they spoke directly to me. I’m the one just finding out, just objecting. It’s been decided. Let go of the objections. From that moment on, I relinquished my reluctance. This is a thing; it’s here to stay.

About Lisa Hoelzer

Lisa Hoelzer took being a stay-at-home mom to her four children very seriously. She studied parenting books and worked hard to improve and grow as a parent. She eventually created her own paradigm for parenting, which you can find at www.betterwayparenting.net.

An avid learner, Lisa has a bachelors in chemistry and a masters in social work. She is a lifelong student of the human psyche, including motivations, biases, mind management, and mental health. She writes about mind management on Medium. Lisa loves to read, write, and discover more about the world. Her other interests include anti-racism, LGTBQ-allyship, and spirituality after religion.

Her memoir, Letting Go: How a Family Crisis Brought Clarity and Authenticity will be out in October 2023. An essay based on an excerpt from the book was published in the literary journal Academy of Heart and Mind in November, 2022. She and her family have lived in New Orleans, Minnesota, and Utah.

Connect with Lisa on her Website | Instagram | Bookbub | Amazon | Goodreads

About the Book

Letting Go How a Family Crisis Brought Clarity and Authenticity by Lisa Hoelzer

Genre: Memoir

What would you do if your religion forced you to choose between the church and your children?

That’s the dilemma Lisa Hoelzer faced after raising her four children within the confines of a strict, high-demand religion that dictated almost every aspect of their lives, from how they dressed to what they ate to how they used their time. Her vision of their ideal future started to change, however, when one child announced they were bisexual. Then another made a similar declaration. Additionally, her children struggled with anxiety and depression-conditions the church didn’t prepare Hoelzer to deal with. If she followed the church’s restrictive teachings, Hoelzer would have to turn her back on her beloved offspring. For this and other reasons, Hoelzer’s small misgivings about the church grew into large objections.

Letting Go recounts the story of how, when faced with a transformational crisis that could have destroyed her family, Hoelzer chose a difficult and forbidden path that would change her world and theirs for the better. 

This is a book for anyone struggling to push ahead when there doesn’t seem to be an easy or obvious path. Whether you’re deconstructing religion or parenting a teen struggling with mental health, this insightful book will engage you with its thought-provoking ideas. With warmth, vulnerability, and insight, Hoelzer empowers readers to accept their children as they are and step into their more authentic selves. 

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